I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
