I can't watch pbs sober anymore
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
