I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
