dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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