Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
