I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
