You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
