do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
