Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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