You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
