Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
