My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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