...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
