im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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