i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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