So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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