Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
