I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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