Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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