So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
