i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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