____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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