There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
