I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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