Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
