Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
