Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
