i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
