He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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