I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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