I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
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Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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