Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
