You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
