Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
