Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
