i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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