Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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