Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
