My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
