she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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