can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
