I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
