We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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