You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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