Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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