so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
