I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
