I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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