I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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