I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
