Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
