I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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