You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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