I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
