The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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