I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
