The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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