I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
